Vladimir Putin, czar of Russia, is going to get a big surprise tomorrow morning. He’s going to wake up in the body of a 6-2 gardener from Arkansas. He’ll spend the rest of his life spreading mulch, double-digging beds, propagating thornless blackberries, mowing grass, cutting up fallen trees and writing short essays on resilience.
Meanwhile I’ll in be a 5-7 balding ruthless dictator. I’ll miss being 6-2, but I’ll enjoy wielding the ceremonial mace of the Russian kings. I’ll especially enjoy toying with Joe Biden and Anthony Blinken for the next three years. And the vast internet troll farms targeting the US–those will be fun to control.
Vlad and I were both born in 1952 so we experienced the same world, basically. Like me, his favorite band in high school was the Beatles. After that we found slightly different paths as he became a KGB agent and I am only rarely mistaken for a CIA agent. I think he’ll adjust to my life pretty easily. He’ll have to relearn judo and sambo since I know neither. He’ll probably also use my contacts to try to build a new empire here in the US, but I doubt he’ll have much luck
Meanwhile I’ll be the person named the most powerful man for four consecutive years by Forbes. I’ll be one of the few men in the world with an ‘Above the Law’ status. I’ll also be surrounded by a group of equally ruthless oligarchs who would like nothing better than to supplant me.
So I won’t be able to really change Russia that much since the new Vlad will be much less malevolent and vindictive than the old Vlad. In fact, my first move will be to resurrect my old friend Dmitry Medvedev and officially anoint him as my successor. I’ll start deferring decisions of state to him and I’ll gradually spend more and more time using my internet troll farms to make Americans a little more Russian.
I’ll become a much more active member of the Russian Orthodox Church. I might even take up residence at one of their more liberal monasteries with the cover story of adopting a life of contemplation and meditation. That would be the perfect cover for my internet manipulations.
I’ll turn over Syria and Ukraine to Dmitry. He’ll take care of them. I’ll donate my $133,000 salary to the Russian Orthodox Church in the US. Since my net worth is still over $70 billion, I’ll have plenty of resources for my new work.
I’ll continue the old Vlad’s style of being impeccably dressed, except I will gradually switch to more and more often wearing a monk’s robes and sandals. I’ll donate to randomly selected poor Russians my string of villas and palaces across the country and abroad. That should be some fun. Won’t the tabloids have a field day chronicling the new life of the peasant who is given my Mediterranean villa? I’ll also give away one of my private jets, but probably keep the other one so I don’t have to wear a mask when I travel.
Not sure what I’ll do with my watch collection.
sOnce I get Medvedev accustomed to his new role and the oligarch satisfied that nothing will really change in Russia, I’ll really dig into the troll farms.
The troll farms have been really effective at making bots powered by artificial intelligence do things like get liberal Americans all worked up about the threat of white supremacists. They haven’t been so effective in countering the push against critical race theory. My new task for the farms will be undermining both Democrats and Republicans in favor of a new American party.
I’ll have to introduce this change gradually so that all my Russian hackers are bought in before I abandon the old goals of the troll farms.
By the way, the movie rights to this evolving story line are still available.
Copyright © 2021 by Jim Worstell